From the BK to the SK
 
Anyone who knows me knows that I am quite possibly the most indecisive, least confident person in the world. My friend Sheila tells me that when I am trying to make a decision, it looks like I'm solving a really difficult math problem. I heavily weigh all the possibilities and options of whatever life-or-death decision I'm making: Should I get an iced coffee or a hot coffee? I mean, I liked iced coffees, but it's like 3 degrees outside. Will it make me cold? But I can't drink a whole hot coffee, so then it's a waste, right?
Now imagine that times 2 million when it comes to making decisions about life. I wrote my whole bucket list a few posts back, but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to knowing exactly what it is I want to do. It's so frustrating. I spent four years, well I guess four and a half years, at college, worked my ass off to graduate with High Distinction from Penn State, knew exactly what I wanted to do when I started and got out of college and literally felt like an infant that was just learning how to walk. It was like, What's this thing called the real world? How does it work? Where do I take my first step? Is there someone to catch me when I fall?
It's pretty overwhelming, actually, to think that your job will be the rest of your life. No more college breaks, no more summer breaks, no more room to mess up and start over again the next semester. This is the real deal.
My friend Emily arrived in Seoul last February, and her time here is coming to an end. I've mentioned her before in my blogs, and we both have that same kind of adrenaline-crazed lifestyle where we want to be in dangerous situations and report on things people tell us we're crazy for wanting to do. But, as we sat in the cab yesterday on our way to lunch, we along with my friend Amanda could all agree on one, sure thing: What the hell am I going to do with my life?
I have my huge bucket list, but my indecisive nature keeps me from being able to figure out which thing I want to tackle first. What makes it even more difficult, though, is that I have a defeatist attitude and really am not very confident about anything. My dad used to tell me I was my own worst enemy, and I know for sure this is true. The only one who can truly hold you back in life is you. I try a lot of the time to maintin positivity and to think of myself and my abilities and this 'brave and courageous' lifestyle I live, but I dismiss it with a flick of the wrist. Anyone can up and move to Korea. Anyone can do the things I do. There isn't anything special about what I'm doing.
Those are the things I tell myself, no matter how many times people will tell me the opposite. It feels so good to know that people read my blog, especially when I know that my friends read it. It's such an amazing feeling. And it helps me to see things in a way I didn't. It's different when my family tells me how proud they are of me and how much they admire what I am doing or how much they enjoy reading everything than when my friends tell me that. It almost resonates a little deeper to know my friends, who are my age and who have been with me through thick and thin, admire me and respect me on that level. It's a hard thing to describe. My friend Megan always reads my blog, and the only proper way to thank her is by telling her on here that I appreciate it more than she'll ever know. My roommate, Jamie, wrote me this e-mail one day:
                                                                            Alexandra, 
               I'm so proud of you for following your passion and living life the way YOU want to live it. I have to admit, I'm a little jealous sitting here thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing selling fleet management? Yes, that's right, I'm currently a used car salesman. YUCK - no, it's not that bad, but time after time I read your blog and just want you to know I admire your inspirational attitude and that I feel so lucky to have a friend like you. I miss you so much and I just want you to know I love you and consider you as one of my closest friends. Let's ichat soon so you can help push me into doing something I love rather than settling for something mediocre.
I think I'm going to start my own blog website....some day.
                                                                        With love,
                                                                            Jamie

Jamie will never understand how much that one e-mail changed my entire outlook on the way I do things. After reading her e-mail, there was just something that made me realize that I will one day without a doubt be a writer. I know that I will - I just will. My friend Megan will never understand how much it means to me when she says she loves reading my blog, to know that in her free time she sits at her computer and follows me through my travels and thoughts and reflections about life. All of my family and friends will just never understand the depth of appreciation I have for them and their unwavering support.
I don't know where this blog was going, what I wanted to write about or what I even started writing about, but I guess I want one of my first blogs for the new year to be a thank you to everyone. It's a thank you to everyone for believing in me and for helping to me believe in myself a little bit more each day.
Emotional? I think so.
 


Comments

dad
01/02/2011 08:30

I have no doubt you will be an amazing writer because whether you realize it or not you already are. Never ever stop believing in yourself. You are that good. Have an exciting New Year . Love Ya Dad

Reply
Jamie
01/03/2011 19:23

You're not only one of my best friends, but now I'm debating if you're one of my guardian angels...that may be a little much, but faith and courage is what filled my soul when I read this. It may be because I'm at another one of my lows for some reason in my life. Laying in bed miserable and upset thinking about far away family and friends - feeling sorry for myself for choosing a job that leaves me completely unfulfilled at the end of the day. But then I read this and didn't seem to feel alone,

"t's pretty overwhelming, actually, to think that your job will be the rest of your life. No more college breaks, no more summer breaks, no more room to mess up and start over again the next semester. This is the real deal."

It's the quarter life crisis that us 20 - somethings all go through.

This also made tears come to my eyes....not sad depressing tears that I've spent the last pitiful hour doing alone in my room (no joke, it's bad) but they were more like happy tomorrow's a new day tears, for I've brought confidence into your life and helped you believe in yourself.

Thanks again for mentioning me in your blog, keep that in mind when you are famous and one of your novels makes it on Oprah's Book List someday!!

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alison
01/05/2011 17:07

I'll always be here to catch you when you fall. Love you so much!

Reply
Lauren
01/14/2011 06:58

I only wish I could write as emotionally and eloquently as your dad...but you're going to have to settle for a Hallmark card and a pat on the back from me instead! Just kidding...you're awesome and I'm glad you're having an adventure, getting to see and do amazing things, and setting your sights high for your future. You'll get there for sure!

(insert little mini bowing guy bbm face we want to create here)

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